False Doctrine Watch

Your friendly neighborhood Practical Mormon is married to a wonderful spouse who isn't. Mormon, that is. So each week we (by which we mean The Practical Mormon) sit in meetings, breath bated, hoping nobody spouts false doctrine in front of our better half. Week after week we're disappointed.

This week's offerings:

* From the youth speaker: "I know that kids today have it a lot harder than kids did in the past." What? You broke your french-manicured nail on the Tivo button? This was the Pioneer-Day-themed meeting, so it's only natural that we'd be dissin' the orphaned kids who walked barefoot across the frozen plains after burying their parents. Right?

* In the same vein, a bizarre political screed from the final speaker: "Our American forefathers weren't terrorists like the Arabs and Palestinians. They were fighting for freedom and for higher ideals. They were true patriots. Our forefathers, and the people who fought for our freedom, are the real heroes of blah blah blah." The PIONEERS. It's Pioneer Day! Remember them?

* In Gospel Essentials: It was the Sacrifice lesson (#26). Teacher: "We should be willing to give up something to get something better in return." In response to which our spouse commented after class: "That's not sacrifice. That's investing. I'd gladly give up my '98 Honda tomorrow for an '05 model today."

* From the teacher again: "Jesus said it's easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle, but we know that in ancient times, the needle was..." We could keep quiet no longer. "Urban legend," we barked. Thankfully, teacher back-pedaled and got back to the real lesson. But not for long.

* From the missionaries: "Most people think the scriptures say 'Money is the root of all evil,' but if you look in the Joseph Smith Translation, you'll see that it says 'Love of money.'" We shook our head furiously at the missionary, who responded by actually looking up the scripture and discovering he was dead wrong.

Sigh.

Your friendly neighborhood Practical Mormon has our work cut out for us.